Why i love Mondays.

Every one has their days. For me they are usually Mondays. Those days in which they feel worthless, stressed to the max, ugly, irritable, confused. I have those days a lot. for the days in which i feel worthless, Jesus gives me infinite value. For the days when i am stressed and overwhelmed, Jesus is my peace. When i am not ecstatic about my appearance, when i feel too fat, my hair goes crazy and my face breaks out over night, Jesus is my contentment. When i am nervous, Jesus is my confidence.When i am irritable, He is patient. When i am confused, He is my anchor. i often think on how human i am. How sinful, selfish, unholy i am, and how i should be better. These thoughts of self deprecation are frequent. When i think deeper and deeper on my physical state, Jesus says- "I created you to be you. I don't want you to be anyone else. You are bigger than some, and smaller than others. You are irritable on Mondays, but happy on Sundays. You love long straight dark brown hair, But i gave you wavy  thick hair- and I think you are beautiful." 

  But you know what really blows me away? He cares about me. He holds this world, but he gives me great times, wonderful memories, priceless opportunities, because He loves me. He placed me in the right place, where i have met the people i have met. He gave me my family and my youth group and my friends- my horses, because He knew they were right for me. And there are 8 billion people on this planet. And he does it for them too. And that is just one of the amazing things about my God. He is MY God. He cares for me. 

Psalm 46:5    ?

God is in the midst of her. She will not be shaken. God will help her when the morning dawns.

He even knows i am not a morning person. :)

Life rocks!!!!

When realizing that i had four days to recover from Africa before i left for teen camp, i was not the happiest person on the planet. I knew i wanted to go to camp, but i was tired, confused and had a lot to sort through. But Camp was coming, so, i just dove right in and prepared for camp.
  Fifteen of us from the youth group loaded the van for camp Sunday night, and got our minds and hearts prepped for the week by having a mini youth group during the Sunday evening service. All over Chesapeake and Virginia beach, at 5 am Monday, teens were getting out of bed, showering and driving to Avalon Hills Bible Church. At 7 am, we were West Virginia bound and life rocked.
  the 6 hour drive was not bad, we kept occupied by watching movies, eating gummies and pop tarts and then chatting! I love road trips. I didn't really know what to expect and i wasn't sure how this week was going to go. When we got there, I did not feel good. My Africa sickness was back. A headache greeted my as we pulled into Alpine Bible Camp. I took a benadryl, and my headache left soon after- for which i am most grateful. Bridget and Glory and Myself were dropped off at our cabin. Our counselor was so sweet and welcomed us to Alpine. We met our other cabin mates- Amy, Hannah and Kanitha. Then, camp started!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And as the week rolled on, i was changed. My youth group was changed. every one was getting right with God, and being encouraged, challenged, and we were learning great things!!!
  The constant activities, the Bible studies, the chapel sessions, and the fellowship, were so impacting. Our counselors were easy to talk to, easy to be around. The schedule was easy to learn and by Wednesday, we were in a routine. From 2-5pm, we had free time. and during these three hours, the youth group would meet up. These were the hours that i loved best. When we just hung out and had fun with each other, the other teens and the staff would tell us that we had something special, and that the relationship we had was wonderful. I felt so honored to be part of the youth group. and i really felt like i found my place! I knew that i was friends with all the girls, and we would help each other out and be friends forever; I knew that i could just be me around the boys, and that everything was fine. nothing was awkward. I didn't have to be super careful. I could just be me. There were moments at camp were i had to really ponder how to handle a situation. I grew in ways i didn't even realize. I learned to take every thought captive. I learned that i needed to memorize more and more scripture. I learned that with the freedom we have in America, there is no way i can just be a complacent christian. I had to be on fire. and passionate. and i learned that i always need God. and i even need to depend on Him completely even when the sun is shining. And so, Camp Alpine has changed my life. Life rocked at Alpine. But the God who worked in me at camp is the same God who works in me at home. And so, i plan on continuing to grow, and my life will continue to rock. even when it's raining.

So, since I got a blog, I guess, I should probably blog!

This past year has been very interesting. I was in the full swing of my junior year in high school. During that year, I was determined to pass the two hardest classes I had ever had with an A. I did, but they weren't easy. That is how I work. I can do things, and do them well, but I have to put lots of valuable time and effort and sanity into them. I am not a math person. But, unfortunately, you do math everyday of your life, and there is no escaping it. You use English, when you write a post or letter to some one using complete sentences. Science, is helpful, to know how things and animals and people and gravity work. The sad part about all of this is, that you spend your best years, stuck in a book, doing homework and working for grades, which at times for me seems utterly and completely pointless.

 Life is all about relationships. And it stinks like rotten eggs when you can't completely invest in them until you are out of college. But then you get married, move away, and move on. Life goes on. You change, and your friends change, and your surroundings change. Your family changes. The world changes. Some people look at change, as if it were an adventure, an unknown, waiting to be explored. Not me. I hate change. I hate when people leave, and don't come back. I hate when you go from care free and innocent, to needing to know what happens in the world, so you aren't naive and vulnerable. I hate the uncertain. I like being in control of the situation. I love having a list, a plan.  I love living life, and not worrying about growing up, going to college, and doing something new. I love being secure, knowing how things are going to go, having a schedule.
The things I love, only last briefly. Life goes on. There will be change, there will be stability. There will be moments when life is the best it has ever been, and moments where I want to cry till there are no more tears. And so much has happened, that tears just come. and I want to be strong. I want to be tough. I want to grasp the challenges and hurdles, and launch over them with no problem. But I am not tough. I am weak. I am easily stressed and frightened. I am easily discouraged, or doubtful. The times when I am happiest, are the times, when I am where my heart is. With the people I love, with the Home I love, completely secure and unafraid.

All the questions that aren't answered, all the plans that I am not given, all of my future, that I can't see, is scary, and I am not a fan of scary.
 So, God made it less scary. He doesn't change. The most reliable Being, is never going to change. He is not going to move on from me. He isn't going to change His plan for me. He knows, and that is so much better than no one knowing. So.

I am not in control. No, that's not always awesome, but I would botch it up if I were. I am not going to completely move on though, from everything I have ever known, because memories are important to me. People are important to me. But even if I go to college, marry someone and have a new life, a new identity, I will still be me. My friends and I won't lose contact. I won't let that happen. My family and I might be separated for a little while, bet never for long. My home, is and always will be here. And the absolute best thing, is our eternally long summer break from school, from evil, from dilemmas, from separation, and uncertainty. That is why it is called Heaven. because there, all my frustrations and tears will be wiped into oblivion, never to be heard of again.
So Way to go God, for never changing. You are the bomb. <3